4 Ways to Help A Sore Loser

We’ve all had that friend.

The one who bellyaches about how poorly he’s doing in a game. In adults, this behavior can be amusing, and even if it’s not, we can choose to exclude a sore loser from our gaming circle.

But what about our kids? Learning to put up with disappointment is part of growing up.

Emotional self-regulation, especially in the midst of frustration, is an incredibly important skill to learn. It’s also a hard skill to consistently apply, as we can see in the adult who wants to flip the table when he’s losing badly.

Behaving with grace makes any game or activity more enjoyable for everyone involved. So how can we help kids to learn this skill?

1. Talk about your expectations.

Sometimes, a kid just isn’t aware that their behavior has been inappropriate (“who, me?”).

Talk through what we expect when playing a game:

• taking turns,
• using kind words,
• using gentle hands, and
• having fun.

Keep reinforcing this every time you play. “When I get angry or sulk, it keeps me from having fun, and it makes the game less fun for everyone else, too.”

What to Do When You Feel Mad

Come up with some coping strategies before the game starts. “This is a hard game, and the last time you played it, you got really upset. Are you sure you are ready to play? What can you do if you start feeling angry?”

They could get up and walk around; punch a pillow; “take a deep breath and count to four” (thanks, Daniel Tiger). If they’re really struggling, maybe they can say “I need to take a break right now” and walk away from the game entirely.

What to Do to Play Better

Talking through game strategy may also help for a sore-loser attitude in the middle of the game.

“I see you didn’t get the card you wanted this turn. Maybe you’ll get it next turn! In the meantime, what can you do with the cards you have now?”

2. Lower the stakes.

Sometimes, winning is the only thing that matters to a child. We can try to make winning less important, which will also make losing less painful.

You could have everyone do something fun and non-competitive after a game is over (dance party, anyone?).

When our children were young, we made the winner responsible to clean up the game, and the loser got to pick the next game. One caveat: watch for a smart kid who learns to game the system. For a while, we had a child who would play well, then throw the game at the last minute to avoid the “penalty” of cleaning up.

3. Mix it up.

If losing has become too overwhelming for your child, dial back the inequity of the games.

Try cooperative games, so everyone is losing or winning together.

Use very short games to practice losing gracefully. Even if – especially if – your kid thinks these games are too easy! It hurts less to lose if it only took five minutes. And then you can try again right away.

Try games that are pure luck, or use a handicapping system, so that the sore loser can win more often. We recommend the B-mod system from Board Games For All Ages, which can allow multiple children to use different handicaps, and “level up” to less help each time they win.

4. Practice!

As the saying goes, “Practice makes perfect.”

Keep playing easy, low-stakes games together.

Continue to model good behavior and talk about strategy.

Be on the lookout for any improvement, no matter how incremental, and reward it.

“I noticed you used kind words and didn’t yell, even when you got cards you didn’t like. Great job! Do you want to play again?”

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More resources:

We’ve talked about this topic on the podcast on Episode 30 – Winning.
Our kids give you their opinions at the end of Episode 86 – Kids, Games, and When You Don’t Win.
Remember that games are supposed to be fun, even when teaching very young kids to play: Episode 302 – How to Raise Little Gamers.

The Art of Raising a Humble Winner and Gracious Loser at ParentingNow.org

How can we help kids with self-regulation? at ChildMind.org